just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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