I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
