im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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