I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
