I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
