I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
