I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
