and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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