Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
