After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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