I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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