the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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