Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I need a beard to bite.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
