First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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