I can text with my tongue
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
