fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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