I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
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He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
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He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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