yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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