I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
