I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I think i got beer on your cat.
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