I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
