afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
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I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
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I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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