Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
