god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
