its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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