just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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