His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
