I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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