The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
