I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
