it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I think I have vodka in my lungs
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
