Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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