My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
