if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
