She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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