So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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