i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
