Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Someone came in the potted fern
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
