She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
