Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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