The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
