She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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