She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
