YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
