My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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