i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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