if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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