Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
