Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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