I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
