I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
