You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
