Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
