started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
