operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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