I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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