I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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