I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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