I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
